Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2017 20:55:35 GMT -5
#ooc: Yo! Google Docs has this down at 1500 words. I hope you all enjoy! ^__^
So I got pinned the other week. No doubt Captain She-Hulk is real pleased with herself right now, though I can’t imagine why. Humiliating me like that instead of, you know, fighting me like a man. She just rolled me over from behind while Britain Jade was shaking her skinny ass at me. Just like the little bish that she proved herself to be. Dishonest, is what that shit is. Say what you want about me, but at least when I’m beating the living bejeezus out of you I’m doing it looking you straight in the eye.
What? Bad guys can’t have virtues too?!
But, anyway, speaking of little bishes and beating the bejeezus out of them...
If she hadn’t stolen that win, if Hannah Kristiansen simply fought for her victory and beaten Saito cleanly -- honestly -- then there might have been no issue, whatsoever.
But now there is an issue, and it was long past time that Saito dealt with the source of that issue.
Her name was Britain Jade.
But as much as she wanted to hunt her down and rip her head off, an idea slithered its way into Saito’s mind to at least handle the issue in a mature manner. Talk it out with Britain and work out their differences like a couple of mature women who simply got off on the wrong foot. And then she remembered who she was.
And so, Saito sat in the living room of the apartment she shared with her cousin Haruka, relaxing on her couch as said mouthed quiet curses in Japanese as she recorded her. Saito smirked at her cousin, who was no doubt wondering why her sister Sakura wasn’t playing around with the camera -- Sakura was the camera nerd of the family, after all -- but her sister was clearly not here. Haruka was.
“<Are you rolling?>” Saito asked her cousin, in Japanese.
“<Just get this over with, you stupid asshole,>” growled her older cousin, “<you’re making me miss Hana Yori Dango!>”
“<Ah, that show ended, like, back when I was seven! Get the blu-ray boxset already if you like it so much, for chrissakes!> With a brief cough to clear her throat, Saito switched to her native English and began her promo.
“Okay...so, I’ve been accused of being...salty...once or twice during my career,” she said, looking into the lens of the camera her cousin held in front of her. “Whenever something -- or someone -- manages to tick me off I get saltier than the Dead Sea and that bullshit ‘lake’ in Utah combined, aaaaaaand it becomes all the more likely that a few dozen people -- at least -- end up regretting being in the same country as me when that happens. That’s the Saito family flaw, you see; we’re all cursed with the shortest tempers you can possibly imagine, and then some.” Saito smirked, and then she held a hand up for the camera. "<Take my lovely assistant, Haruka, for instance!>” she added, in Japanese, and then back to English. “She’s giving me the hairy eyeball right now because she’s too cheap a bish to shell out a couple thousand yen for this dumbass tv show from 2005!”
“Ai speaku Engurish justa fine, arrusole!” Haruka interjected, in heavily accented English, which made the smirk on Saito’s face grow. “<You keep on shittalking my favourite tv shows and I’ll pull your heart out through your skinny asshole while you sleep!>”
“Jeez, just cause that show jumpstarted you into puberty...” replied Saito, who shook her head before she returned to her promo. “Aaaaaanyhoo, it occurred to me that, as Union Battleground hasn’t felt the full weight of a Saito’s lost temper -- my lost temper -- and for the sake of, well, let’s call it ‘health-and-safety’...I have decided that, instead of outright murdering the fuck out of Britain Jade after her actions at the last Lights Out, I’m taking the high road, and have invited Jade-san over here in gorgeous Tokyo for a little parley, see if we can iron out our differences. So! Without further ado, let me introduce my guest: Britain Jade!”
It was a new moments when Saito noticed that Haruka remained where it was, hovering over her. She snapped her fingers once and then pointed to her left, yelling, “<Move the camera over here, dumb shit!>” before Haruka gave her younger cousin the finger and panned the camera in the direction Saito was pointing.
Only to catch a couple of Barbie and (blonde) Ken dolls sitting on the couch beside her.
“And you brought your boyfriend here with you too!” exclaimed Saito sweetly, addressing the Barbie doll as though it was her upcoming opponent. “That’s so sweet! Looking at you two lovebirds--actually, I have to ask...he’s...he’s really a she, isn’t he? Because I’m totally getting this Ellen DeGeneres vibe from that guy. Like, seriously, I didn’t even know you swung that way -- which is cool! I bat for both teams, myself, and...”
As Saito ranted, Barbie said nothing. Because it’s a doll, obviously.
“Yeah, okay, we should just get down to business,” concluded Saito. “Forget I said anything. Now, Brits -- can I call you Brits?” she asked Barbie and received no answer. Because, again, it’s a doll. “No? Okay, Brits...you and me, we’ve obviously gotten off on the wrong foot, here. And I feel that it’s all my fault -- partly my fault, no, one-tenth my, no, fuck it, this is all your fault -- that we’re at this point, y’know? I mean, this all started because you got in my face for absolutely no reason, and then you started shittalking about me with that other hooker who calls herself a ‘correspondent,’” she added with air quotes, “and then you slap me in the face after I kindly show you my support and add some excitement during one of your bathroom breaks of a wrestling match! Like--my god, woman!” she said, her eyes widening in feigned shock as the Barbie’s head suddenly fell into Ken’s lap.
Saito took a moment to reposition Barbie into her original spot on the couch, muttering, “Don’t get too thirsty, you fucking cock whore…not like there’s anything there in the first place. Androgynous Ellen-looking motherfucker...”
“Anyway!” exclaimed Saito, a little louder. “You heard what I said about the infamous Saito temper, didn’t you? And not to, y’know, toot my own horn here, but when I go off it’s like a bomb, and anyone caught in the blast is gonna be picking pieces of themselves up off the floor for the next week or six. Trust me, hurricanes ain’t got shit on what an appropriately pissed off Saito can do. Heck! It defies all human nature that I haven’t stuck that obvious weave up your ass and used my foot as the ramrod, by now!”
Barbie, again, had nothing to say to Saito, because -- of course -- piece of overpriced cheap plastic.
“But then I think to myself, ‘Leave it be, Sara-chan. She doesn’t know any better ‘cause she’s dumber than a bag of hammers. There’s no need to open her skull up like a pinata, or anything...just cool it, ‘kay? ‘Kay.’ But then! You just up and decide to add a little more gasoline to the fire, didn’t you? You went and added the straw to break the camel’s back, and you just had to piss me off just enough to beat your ass into a slutty pulp, and now the time’s gonna come pretty soon when that pretty empty head of yours gets turned into a smear on the wall. But I’m a big girl, and so I’m giving you this one chance to tell your side of the story. We can talk this out, and maybe we can both come out of this with a smile and a handshake. I said ‘handshake,’ not ‘handjob,’ you filthy hentai.”
This joke is getting tired already.
“So...you got nothing to say, huh?” Saito asked Barbie. “You just...want me to rip your head off, just like that, huh?” she snapped her fingers. “Well, I must say that’s mighty brave of you, Brits, to decide to take your well-deserved assbeating like a -- oh, Jesus H Christ, Brits! Get a fucking room!”
Saito sat up and walked away from the couch in feigned anger when she noticed that Ken’s head now occupied Barbie’s lap.
“That’s it, I’m done!” her voice was heard in the background. “Cut!”
So I got pinned the other week. No doubt Captain She-Hulk is real pleased with herself right now, though I can’t imagine why. Humiliating me like that instead of, you know, fighting me like a man. She just rolled me over from behind while Britain Jade was shaking her skinny ass at me. Just like the little bish that she proved herself to be. Dishonest, is what that shit is. Say what you want about me, but at least when I’m beating the living bejeezus out of you I’m doing it looking you straight in the eye.
What? Bad guys can’t have virtues too?!
But, anyway, speaking of little bishes and beating the bejeezus out of them...
****
Saint Saito had suffered a humiliating defeat. There was no skirting around that particular issue, and to say that it royally stung her in the ass would have been an understatement of colossal proportions. It wasn’t the losing that stung her -- she was strong and solid enough to not be that sore a loser -- it was the manner in which she was beaten. To be taken advantage of like that, while she was distracted, to have the victory she fought for snatched from her grasp by that thief Hannah Kristiansen. That was what set her off.If she hadn’t stolen that win, if Hannah Kristiansen simply fought for her victory and beaten Saito cleanly -- honestly -- then there might have been no issue, whatsoever.
But now there is an issue, and it was long past time that Saito dealt with the source of that issue.
Her name was Britain Jade.
But as much as she wanted to hunt her down and rip her head off, an idea slithered its way into Saito’s mind to at least handle the issue in a mature manner. Talk it out with Britain and work out their differences like a couple of mature women who simply got off on the wrong foot. And then she remembered who she was.
And so, Saito sat in the living room of the apartment she shared with her cousin Haruka, relaxing on her couch as said mouthed quiet curses in Japanese as she recorded her. Saito smirked at her cousin, who was no doubt wondering why her sister Sakura wasn’t playing around with the camera -- Sakura was the camera nerd of the family, after all -- but her sister was clearly not here. Haruka was.
“<Are you rolling?>” Saito asked her cousin, in Japanese.
“<Just get this over with, you stupid asshole,>” growled her older cousin, “<you’re making me miss Hana Yori Dango!>”
“<Ah, that show ended, like, back when I was seven! Get the blu-ray boxset already if you like it so much, for chrissakes!> With a brief cough to clear her throat, Saito switched to her native English and began her promo.
“Okay...so, I’ve been accused of being...salty...once or twice during my career,” she said, looking into the lens of the camera her cousin held in front of her. “Whenever something -- or someone -- manages to tick me off I get saltier than the Dead Sea and that bullshit ‘lake’ in Utah combined, aaaaaaand it becomes all the more likely that a few dozen people -- at least -- end up regretting being in the same country as me when that happens. That’s the Saito family flaw, you see; we’re all cursed with the shortest tempers you can possibly imagine, and then some.” Saito smirked, and then she held a hand up for the camera. "<Take my lovely assistant, Haruka, for instance!>” she added, in Japanese, and then back to English. “She’s giving me the hairy eyeball right now because she’s too cheap a bish to shell out a couple thousand yen for this dumbass tv show from 2005!”
“Ai speaku Engurish justa fine, arrusole!” Haruka interjected, in heavily accented English, which made the smirk on Saito’s face grow. “<You keep on shittalking my favourite tv shows and I’ll pull your heart out through your skinny asshole while you sleep!>”
“Jeez, just cause that show jumpstarted you into puberty...” replied Saito, who shook her head before she returned to her promo. “Aaaaaanyhoo, it occurred to me that, as Union Battleground hasn’t felt the full weight of a Saito’s lost temper -- my lost temper -- and for the sake of, well, let’s call it ‘health-and-safety’...I have decided that, instead of outright murdering the fuck out of Britain Jade after her actions at the last Lights Out, I’m taking the high road, and have invited Jade-san over here in gorgeous Tokyo for a little parley, see if we can iron out our differences. So! Without further ado, let me introduce my guest: Britain Jade!”
It was a new moments when Saito noticed that Haruka remained where it was, hovering over her. She snapped her fingers once and then pointed to her left, yelling, “<Move the camera over here, dumb shit!>” before Haruka gave her younger cousin the finger and panned the camera in the direction Saito was pointing.
Only to catch a couple of Barbie and (blonde) Ken dolls sitting on the couch beside her.
“And you brought your boyfriend here with you too!” exclaimed Saito sweetly, addressing the Barbie doll as though it was her upcoming opponent. “That’s so sweet! Looking at you two lovebirds--actually, I have to ask...he’s...he’s really a she, isn’t he? Because I’m totally getting this Ellen DeGeneres vibe from that guy. Like, seriously, I didn’t even know you swung that way -- which is cool! I bat for both teams, myself, and...”
As Saito ranted, Barbie said nothing. Because it’s a doll, obviously.
“Yeah, okay, we should just get down to business,” concluded Saito. “Forget I said anything. Now, Brits -- can I call you Brits?” she asked Barbie and received no answer. Because, again, it’s a doll. “No? Okay, Brits...you and me, we’ve obviously gotten off on the wrong foot, here. And I feel that it’s all my fault -- partly my fault, no, one-tenth my, no, fuck it, this is all your fault -- that we’re at this point, y’know? I mean, this all started because you got in my face for absolutely no reason, and then you started shittalking about me with that other hooker who calls herself a ‘correspondent,’” she added with air quotes, “and then you slap me in the face after I kindly show you my support and add some excitement during one of your bathroom breaks of a wrestling match! Like--my god, woman!” she said, her eyes widening in feigned shock as the Barbie’s head suddenly fell into Ken’s lap.
Saito took a moment to reposition Barbie into her original spot on the couch, muttering, “Don’t get too thirsty, you fucking cock whore…not like there’s anything there in the first place. Androgynous Ellen-looking motherfucker...”
“Anyway!” exclaimed Saito, a little louder. “You heard what I said about the infamous Saito temper, didn’t you? And not to, y’know, toot my own horn here, but when I go off it’s like a bomb, and anyone caught in the blast is gonna be picking pieces of themselves up off the floor for the next week or six. Trust me, hurricanes ain’t got shit on what an appropriately pissed off Saito can do. Heck! It defies all human nature that I haven’t stuck that obvious weave up your ass and used my foot as the ramrod, by now!”
Barbie, again, had nothing to say to Saito, because -- of course -- piece of overpriced cheap plastic.
“But then I think to myself, ‘Leave it be, Sara-chan. She doesn’t know any better ‘cause she’s dumber than a bag of hammers. There’s no need to open her skull up like a pinata, or anything...just cool it, ‘kay? ‘Kay.’ But then! You just up and decide to add a little more gasoline to the fire, didn’t you? You went and added the straw to break the camel’s back, and you just had to piss me off just enough to beat your ass into a slutty pulp, and now the time’s gonna come pretty soon when that pretty empty head of yours gets turned into a smear on the wall. But I’m a big girl, and so I’m giving you this one chance to tell your side of the story. We can talk this out, and maybe we can both come out of this with a smile and a handshake. I said ‘handshake,’ not ‘handjob,’ you filthy hentai.”
This joke is getting tired already.
“So...you got nothing to say, huh?” Saito asked Barbie. “You just...want me to rip your head off, just like that, huh?” she snapped her fingers. “Well, I must say that’s mighty brave of you, Brits, to decide to take your well-deserved assbeating like a -- oh, Jesus H Christ, Brits! Get a fucking room!”
Saito sat up and walked away from the couch in feigned anger when she noticed that Ken’s head now occupied Barbie’s lap.
“That’s it, I’m done!” her voice was heard in the background. “Cut!”