You can't move for them. And why? Because we find ourselves in the nation's capital of Washington, DC.
"You could have a steeeaam-train! If you'd just lay down your tracks! You could have an aaaeerrroplace! *Your call is currently in a queue. Please stand by*..."
In a pool, ducks swim along happily, but it's not long before the sound of alarmed quacking fills the air, as well as what appears to be Peter Gabriel's 1986 classic "Sledgehammer", and a big, green kayak floats through the middle of the pool, alone.
"I wanna beeeee...your sledgehammer! Why don't you call my *Your call is currently in a queue. Please stand by*..."
Perched right in the middle with her legs dangling out of the seat, wearing an unflattering one-piece swimsuit, black beanie and big, brown sunglasses with her head lying on her Trench War Championship, the 'Worst of the Pavees' Emery Layton thumbs through a copy of Bronte's Wuthering Heights.
EMERY LAYTON:
"...She comes back and haunts him through the window? Pretty fucking wild, man. That's how I wanna spend my time when the world finds a way to get rid of me. Anyway, oi oi! Long time no chat. Well, I say that. I mean you saw me with Dr Dracula those few times but it's kinda the first time I got to talk to you myself, know what I mean? Like, I'm thinking recently I don't get a chance to just talk to people properly, myself. Nice to have some time alone for a bit, come out to this open pool, get a bit of a tan, y'know? I don't tan, but I try. And what better time to take the kayak that some dude let me borrow for the afternoon out for a spin? I mean he didn't exactly say I could borrow it and it's been two weeks since but he was nice so I think I'm in the clear."
"I wanna beeeee...your sledgeham-- *bfft* You're through to Customer Care, this is Robert speaking. How may I--"
"Oh shit, I've never got this far before...uh..."
She quickly reaches into the seat, pulling out her phone and hanging up quickly. Then a dial.
"Even though I’m not doing it for this, it’s nice to be in a queue instead of having queues to get to me for a change, gotta say."
After a few seconds of ringing...
"*Your call is currently in a queue. Please stand by* You could have a steeeaam train! If you'd ju--"
And she immediately starts nodding her head again.
"There we go. But how bout that- season finale for LiGHTS OUT! I remember the first one. My eyes start beaming when I talk about Union Battleground. Actual beaming. Can't see it behind the glasses, but take my word for it. First time you lot saw me, I'd got chucked out of a bar and talked to you all while I sat in a bin, now look at me- longest reigning champ of any kind in this company and I'm living the life. In a pool! We come a long way, you guys, and I ain't stopping yet for nobody, tell ya now."
*ffzttt* "This is your final warning! Please come out of the pool by order of the Washington Police Department. Swimming or boating is prohibited!"
She glances on land to see four police cars, a huge crowd and lots of police officers huddled together, one with a megaphone.
"Gimme a sec."
She hangs up her phone as she reaches into the seat of the kayak again, now pulling out her own megaphone. There is a second of feedback before she speaks.
"I told you guys already- the President said he was so impressed with my recent work in the ring he let me have the pool for the day! I dunno how many times I gotta tell you."
*ffztt* "Final warning. Please remove yourself or you will be removed by force!"
"Yeah, okay. Send whichever one of you that you think is the best. I ain't gonna be hard to find."
As the Washington police department huddle and talk amongst themselves, Em puts the megaphone back and turns to us again.
"Now of course the question is where I got the megaphone from. I’m Emery Layton- try not to think about it too much because I don’t. Anyway, that’ll keep ‘em squabbling amongst themselves for a bit. Points for trying though. Problem is they’re trying with someone who makes a living outta keeping stuff away from people. So anyway, back to you guys. And more importantly, back to Xio—hang on, Xion Ben-Judo. No, wait, I got this...Xi-on Ben...Ben’s the easy bit. Judah? Xion Ben Judah. Ayy! I been trying to crack that all week! Anyway, on to you, fella, and y’know what? I like you. Going back to the first time I ever came here, I had to face a dude who had more money than balls and now look- I got you. I mean you ran away from home to go off and do something good. Calls himself the protector of Union Battleground, and isn’t actually arrogant about it. Good for him- man after my own heart. Problem is he wants this..."
She takes her Trench War Championship out from behind her head and holds it for us all to see. It sparkles, reflecting off the light. It looks like she’s holding sunshine in her hands.
"And the problem with that problem is...so does everyone, fella. Everyone wants to take this thing from me, and that ain’t cos of how shiny it is or how nice it looks. Well, it’s a bit that, but that ain’t the big reason. It’s cos of what I’ve done with it. It’s because I made you want it. I defined what the Trench War Championship is and made it the title that everyone wants a piece of, and I’m prouda that. Don’t think cos I’m using it as a pillow that I don’t care about this title. I bring this with me where ever I go. People used to say I wouldn’t get nowhere cos I wasn’t what companies wanted, now every single time someone tells me I ain’t good enough, I flash this and they shut the fuck up. Because I made this more than just another title. I made this a life-style, taking this where ever I hear the challenge- be it here, Seattle Pro, XWA, where ever. Xion, fella, you’re a good dude and your heart’s in the right place but you saying you wanted to restore ‘honor and respect’ to this title recently?"
She shakes her head.
"Nuh-uh. Soz, man. You summoned me, fella! Good for you- I’ll make you a special hat, cos that’s the best you’re getting. For serious. I’m holding this as long as I wanna, cos you think me taking this all across the world was all I got? Nah. I’m just getting started, and if you want this, it’s gonna take more than dark monologues and neckbreakers to get me, fella. I ain’t Saito or Zombie or any of those other people you faced. Do I like a joke from time to time? Sure I do. But I ain’t no clown, so stop sweating. I’m Emery fucking Layton, I’m the Trench War Traveller of Union Battleground, I defend against whoever asks, I retain whenever I defend. You’re at the front of the queue today but if you want some of this, just gonna be like these other fools right here today tryna get me outta this pool."
The skidding of a car in the background fills the air as Em stops, looking up.
"Oh, talking of trouble...hang on a sec..."
She reaches into the kayak, much like before, pulling out her megaphone again.
"Alright lads, what’ve you’ve got? Hey, you can’t throw me out if I...leave..."
She stops, the megaphone dropping down from her mouth and removing her sunglasses to reveal her wide-eyed expression. Then a manic grin.
"I didn’t think they’d go this far. You’ve out-done yourself, Emery..."
She raises the megaphone.
"Hey, uh...listen, these guys mighta told you I said you’d let me in here but, uh...oh, y’know what, I’ll get out but only if I get an answer to this question, because it’s not every day I get to ask this...but that hair, Mr. President- you honestly thought that was a good idea?"
And as we fade out, as we move backwards.
It is now that we notice the George Washington monument towering over us in the background. The area is now flooded with a crowd and reporters and police and TV stations as Emery's kayak continues to float in the middle...
...of the Lincoln Memorial Reflection Pool.
Em sits back, placing both hands on the back of her head and putting her feet up. She couldn't be more pleased.
"I’m not going to lie. Life is good. It hasn’t been this good to me in quite a long time. It’s a total contrast to the world I left behind in the Middle East. It’s a change like that of night and day. I’ve made a home for myself here in the United States (on a farm in Boise City, Oklahoma no less!). I met a woman beyond my wildest dreams in Cheyenne Walker, so I married her (Thanks for the advice, Beyonce. #PutARingOnIt). I’m undefeated in Union Battleground as I take up my fallen mentor’s mission. And in a few days, at L!GHTS OUT #16, our season finale, I have the biggest opportunity of my wrestling career: A TrenchWar Championship Match against Emery Layton.
"Many would say that I’m on top of the world. But I don’t see it that way. The good life came with bumps on the road. I endured life’s worst to earn life’s best. I’ve learned to be content in the good and the bad. That’s why I like the simple life; on solid ground; where life is real. And Cheyenne is my constant reminder."
I couldn’t help but smile as Cheye played the role of “ultimate tourist” as we walked up Pennsylvania Avenue here in Washington, D.C. She was dressed in her short-short overalls (she knows what they do to me. Wink-wink!) with a tight white top under them. Her hair was down but tied back into a tail. She wore big black sunglasses like most celebrities. And her cell phone was clicking away at the historical and governmental buildings while also taking pics with fans that recognized her. But if you know my girl, she doesn’t own her celebrity status. She was taking all of D.C. in. She promised her Momma that if she saw Senator John McCain while in Washington, she would get her picture taken with the war hero and tell him they were praying for him. (Would you believe we actually did? It’s more realistic than floating a kayak in the Lincoln Memorial Reflection Pond and not getting arrested by federal agents.)
When we got to the White House, there was a small crowd of anti-Trump protestors picketing outside the gate. I imagine the crowd was smaller than usual since I saw on the morning news that the President was in New York for a few days. But that didn’t stop Cheye from letting her opinions be known.
“I can’t stand him! He thinks he’s so much better than everyone else. I can’t believe Momma and Daddy voted for that oranged-faced, plastic hair, pompous...!”
I hushed her but before I could elaborate on my scolding, we were next to the protestors and Cheye joined the chanting: “NOT-MY-PRESIDENT!” I shook my head and let her do her thing. My mission in life was greater than American politics. But Cheye reminded me why my life is going so well.
"Humility."
"Cheyenne reminds me that we can do good in life without being an arrogant prick; a quality I’ve developed over the years and a quality that wasn’t lost on Emery Layton’s attention."
"This is why I want the Union Battleground TrenchWar Championship."
"I admire what you’ve done in the Battleground, Emery. There is no doubt in my mind why you’ve earned and held on to the championship you possess since the very beginning. You are one of the best in our business and a legitimate champion. But the reason I want the TrenchWar Title is not for the reasons you believe. It’s not because I want what you have. I want the TrenchWar Championship because you’ve become complacent. The inner fire that drove you to become the TrenchWar Champion in the first place is now an ember of ash. You’ve become distracted with other ventures and neglected the title you say you embody."
"It’s time for a change."
"By relieving you of the TrenchWar Championship, Emery, I am saving you from yourself. When you start to believe in your own hype, the sin of complacency takes root. Whether your boat ride in the Memorial Pond was real or not, it exposed how you now view life and in particular how you view the TrenchWar Title. And by being so nonchalant about the title’s honor, you disrespect it and prove me right."
"As a matter of fact, your boat ride in the Memorial Pond reminds me of the story of White Star Line. White Star Line was one of the world’s greatest luxury ship companies. Everyone who was anyone wanted to cruise the world in one of their incredible ocean liners. White Star Line commissioned the construction of twin ships that were designed to be unsinkable. The Irish News and Belfast Morning News published a report that described the system of watertight compartments and electronic watertight doors of the twin ships. When the first ship was nearly complete, White Star Line had already sold out it’s maiden voyage. People had absolute faith in the new science and technology. They believed that science could provide answers to solve all problems. And they advertised the maiden voyage as such. On the day the new ocean liner left the dock, people were commentating that “not even God could sink” this White Star Line vessel. It was April 10, 1912. By April 15th, the ship was on the bottom of the Atlantic ocean and hundreds of souls perished with it. The ship’s name? The RMS Titanic."
"Emery, if you believe that the only way you’re going to lose the TrenchWar Championship is because you allow it, then you are more foolish than White Star Line advertising the Titanic as “unsinkable.” Everyone has their iceberg. The complacency in your heart is driving you towards unknown waters and you think you’re unbeatable. This cardinal sin will be your undoing. It sank the Titanic and it will sink you. This belief that no one can stop you will haunt you. It will lull you into a false sense of security than it will take everything from you. Like I said, everyone has their iceberg. And at L!GHTS OUT #16, you’ll be looking across the ring from yours. An Ice cold, hard, and unforgiving human iceberg."
"I have nothing to lose here, Emery. If I don’t beat you at L!GHTS OUT, I go back to the good life I have earned with my wife and live to fight another day. You, on the other hand, what do you go back to without the TrenchWar Championship? A tag title opportunity where you have to trust another person to bring about victory? A life with no purpose? Another drunken stupor? A slow descent into the depths of whatever abyss your loss will cause you?"
"It’s time for a change, Emery."
"You are heading on a course leading to disaster. The iceberg is up ahead. I am that iceberg. Will you change course? Or will your complacency lead you to a destiny without a title?"
"Either way, my life is good… and the Union Battleground TrenchWar Championship will only make it better."
"It’s time to sink or swim."
"Ahoy mate."
"Now excuse me while I keep my girl from knocking on the front door of the White House to cuss out the First Lady."
