"California Dreaming" Feedback

DJS

AKA. Emery Layton

Posts: 74
Accolades: Union Battleground Championship (x1), Trench War Championship (x1), King Cobra Championship (x1)

"California Dreaming" Feedback Jan 30, 2017 20:44:40 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by DJS on Jan 30, 2017 20:44:40 GMT -5

Only because I wanna set a precedent for feedback being a regular thing around here.

Back again- what were people's thoughts? I'm sort of trying to seed things into each one so you learn at least one new thing about Em each time. Dunno if its effective?

Will say there's some lines in there I'm quite proud of too. Also Kate Bush might be foreshadowing. I will not explain how just yet.

Last Edit: Jan 30, 2017 20:46:24 GMT -5 by DJS

Deleted
Deleted Member

Posts: 0

"California Dreaming" Feedback Jan 30, 2017 21:31:33 GMT -5

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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 21:31:33 GMT -5

I enjoyed readying it. One thing I noticed is compared to your first rp, there was less cd this time. Not a bad thing though.

I liked hoe you explained why you needed to win the UB title, made fun of Hunter's name, and talked about your opponent.

My prediction of there being a Celtic semifinal might actually happen.

Wayne Richards
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Posts: 815

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"California Dreaming" Feedback Jan 31, 2017 1:14:35 GMT -5

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Post by Wayne Richards on Jan 31, 2017 1:14:35 GMT -5

Another solid piece. I really enjoy the way you paint the picture, I can vividly envision it as I read it. I especially liked the part of Em throwing the wad of cash to the street performer, I'm assuming that was Hunter's and was a great call back from her previous bout. Really like seeing the dynamic of Emery unfolding.

Post by DJS on Jan 30, 2017 20:44:40 GMT -5

Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 21:31:33 GMT -5

Post by Wayne Richards on Jan 31, 2017 1:14:35 GMT -5

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