Post by Jan van der Roost on Apr 26, 2018 19:20:44 GMT -5
“Now there's some sad things known to man But ain't too much sadder than The tears of a clown When there's no one around”
-- Smokey Robinson
Thursday Afternoon 3:05pm, Suburban Detroit.
Sitting in his 2016 Audi RS7, Jan van der Roost waits in line just outside of the elementary school, his stepdaughter Britney scheduled to be dismissed at any time. The soft sounds of a cooing sleep are heard coming from the backseat as his son, Sebastian, naps in his carseat. Jan turns around to check on the 9 month old.
“Just like Papa, sleeping on long trips.”
Jan turns back to face forward and taps on the radio. The smooth sounds of Motown play as ‘Tears of a Clown’ by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles plays. The bell rings from the school and waves of children head out of the building. Jan gives a rare smile as he sees the ponytail flying behind the 8 year old daughter of Sasha as she runs towards his car. She opens the door and starts to say something but sees Sebastian asleep. She sits in the backseat beside of Sebastian and buckles up as Jan checks her in the rearview mirror.
“Ready?”
“Ready, Papa Jan!”
Jan shifts into drive and rolls slowly away through the parking lot. Brit looks over at Sebastian then looks into the mirror to see Jan.
“I knew you were coming to get me today since you didn’t have to go to, um, Spaghettiland this weekend, but I didn’t know you were bring Sebastian.”
“He was being fussy with Momma so I thought the drive might do him some good. He was asleep before we left the house. Spaghettiland?"
“Yeah. It-al-yee. That’s where they have spaghetti and pizza right?”
Jan glances up to see the beaming smile of Brit.
“How was your day at school?”
It was fun. We got to draw stuff from the circus today.”
She fishes through her backpack and pulls out a drawing. Brit holds it up so Jan can see it as he glances up in the rearview mirror.
“It is a very nice clown, Miesje.”
“Thanks. I remember you talking about having a match next week with a clown. He’s a friendly clown, isn’t he?”
“From what I have found out, he is friendly.”
“That’s good. Clowns are supposed be fun and not mean.”
Brit folds her picture back and looks up at Jan again.
“Where are you going next week?”
“Ireland.”
“Will you get me a pot of gold while you’re there? For Mommy I mean?”
“Do you think they have them there?”
“Isn’t that where the guy on the Cereal box is from?”
“What cereal box?”
“The little guy in green with the marshmallows. You know, They're Magically Delicious!”
Jan holds back a chuckle then looks up at Brit.
“I will see if they have any pots of gold there for Mommy.”
“And a Unicorn for me too, k?”
Brit frowns as the music changes to ‘It’s the Same Old Song’ by the Four Tops.
“Um, Papa Jan, can we switch the radio? That music isn’t very fun.”
Jan looks over and presses the Preset1 button. ‘No Tears Left To Cry’ by Ariana Grande plays in mid chorus. Brit bops her head left and right as Jan simply chuckles and drives down the road.
Thursday Afternoon - Foote/van der Roost Residence, Suburban Detroit
Inside the garage, a poster of a clown is tacked on the wall. A pair of inflated helium balloons are tied to a small chair, a bottle of water sitting on the seat. A whoopee cushion, an oversized tie, a rubber chicken, a rainbow wig, and a palette of clown makeup all sit on a table beside the chair.
“Now I'm sorry to break this to everybody but I'm not going to come at my opponent with all the normal ‘bingo card’ of clown jokes, similar to the one that everyone wants to try to use about me. You know, he is old, slow, bald, etc. I will not demean you with that immature banter. No funny stories. No sight gags. No humorous anecdotes. And none of the many other things that I could easily do.”
Jan walks into the garage area and looks at the poster, the table and the chair, then looks back at the camera.
“Because this is not the time for comedy or slapstick or whimsical vernacular."
Jan pushes all of the items on the table into a trash can.
“This is serious business.”
He takes down the poster, rolls it up and sets into the trash can as well.
“This is the Union Battleground. This is War of the Worlds.“
Jan unties the balloons and starts to let them float away but doesn’t. He simply looks at the balloons.
“I am not here to talking about fart jokes, buckets of slime, or honking horns. But Redrum, you are going to be wishing that I was talking about all of those things. Because all of those things are fun, humorous, enjoyable, and in Dublin, none of that is going to happen for you.”
Jan holds the balloons in his hand, looking back at the camera.
“See, Redrum, you are coming into the ring with the Rooster. The Dutch Deathstalker. The Fixer. Or as everyone else has proclaimed, the old man of professional wrestling. But do not the age and the wrinkles fool your eyes, because you are also walking into the ring with someone who has been in this business since you were in 4th grade, back when you thought plastic wrap on toilet bowls and shocking gum packs were the funniest things ever.”
He takes one of the balloons and unties the knot, inhaling the helium for a few seconds. His voice is higher pitched as he speaks.
“-- So, I’m sure you and many others will find this extremely hilarious. I know my 8 year old would think so, because ‘Papa Jan sounds like a cartoon’. But this is not fun and games. I’m doing it to prove a point. No matter if I sound like a chipmunk, or if I dressed in suspenders and floppy shoes, or even painted my face to look like you, the fact of the matter is - in the ring, I am better than you. We might be of a similar build and a similar size. But that is where the similarities end. I have forgotten more about this business, about moves and strategies, than you have ever been taught. --”
He picks up the bottle and takes a swig. His voice returns to normal as he continues.
“I want you to think about this, Redrum. For every move you try, I already know two counters. For every trick you will try to pull, I have pulled three of them before. And for every time you want to bring some plunder into this match, I will have used each piece four times or more in my travels. I have been wrestling around the world, in places you have only seen on a map, and I have been successful everywhere I have been. And That is not going to change when you and I meet in Dublin on Pay Per View.”
Jan slowly walks out of the garage, holding the last balloon in his hand.
“I’m sure everyone will be wondering exactly what will happen when you and I finally meet in the ring for the first time. We are definitely two different sides of the coin. This match is truly a War of the Worlds - Your world of humor and frivolity versus My world of structure and formality. This match is going to be Anarchy versus Stability, and unfortunately for you, this match is no laughing matter. There will be no smiles for you. There will only be heartache. There will only be pain. There will only be the realization that you have been bested by the Rooster. The crowd will be seeing the sweat on my brow after a hard fought win while I walk out of the arena with my hands raised in victory. And after the match, you will be sitting in the locker room, alone, wondering just what went wrong. And if anyone was back there with you, all they would see would be the lonely tears of a clown.”
He rubs a thumb across his cheek, wiping away an imaginary tear.
“Redrum, I hope you bring all of your gadgets and tricks. Bring all the jokes and games that you can, because at the end of the night, funny man, your world is just going to go….”
Jan takes a pin from his pocket and pops the balloon.
[One single gloved hand appears across the screen as the scene fades in on REDRUM setting up the camera. He is dressed in his carnival striped pants, his giant oversized clown shoes, a pair of rainbow suspenders, and white gloves. He smiles and waves as he sits down cross legged on the floor in front of the camera. We can see we are in a brightly lit room with paint splattered walls. A large suitcase sits behind REDRUM as he continues to wave at the camera.]
REDRUM: Mister Rooster is so super cereal! And he thinks that this silly salamander of a clown is going to cry over spilled milk?! I have never cried! The day I was born I came out laughing and haven't stopped since! This is a game Rooster! And I've set the board up and am ready to play!
[We can now see a board game set up on the floor in between the camera and REDRUM. It resembles a combination of Risk and Candyland. There are pieces resembling REDRUM and pieces made to look like Jan van der Roost. REDRUM chuckles as he continues.]
REDRUM: Why is winning so important to you Rooster? People called you old and washed up? SO WHAT! I've been called a stupid Court Jester my whole life and what do I do in response? I give 'em a good ol' wink and a big ol' chuckle! Don't let these fun hating frownies put you down! Be like all my silly willies and HAVE A LAUGH!
[REDRUM laughs hysterically as he moves the pieces around the board. We can see his smile growing as he continues through laughter.]
REDRUM: I've packed my oversized suitcase up and walked the invisible dog! I'm packed, stacked, and ready to attack! We've got a mighty big play date Rooster! I hope you're ready for some fine fevered fun! War of the Worlds is going to be turned into a House of Fun when the Facepainted Freakazoid rolls up on the tricycle of trickery! And that little frown of yours, Rooster, will be turned UPSIDE DOWN!
[REDRUM grabs his cheeks and pulls them into a large smile. He laughs again and claps his hands together before standing to his feet. We can see a bed set up in the corner. It's an oversized childs bed with a race car design. REDRUM walks to it and smiles as he looks back at the camera.]
REDRUM: Suspenders, oversized shoes, facepaint, and gags. I'm ready to meet the Rooster in the ring for the first time ever and show each and every one of the silly willies watching around the world that REDRUM is BACK! And he's ready to paint a smile on the world once again! I've set my alarm clock for May Sixth! I await the COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!
[The Facepainted Freakazoid leaps up and falls into the bed before covering up with the tiny blanket. He cuddles up and grabs the stuffed Teddy Bear as he pulls it close. We can see the bear has a clown face painted on it as REDRUM smiles and begins to drift off to sleep. He sits up quickly and claps his hands as the lights cut off, sending the scene into darkness as REDRUM drifts off the sleep, dreaming on Roosters and God only knows what else.]
