Post by wickedwitch on Dec 16, 2019 20:36:18 GMT -5
Head Science Field Adjunct Kohlrahmi’s Log,
Galactic Solar Sector Date 10.29.4093
After months of thorough archaeological investigation, there is now sufficient evidence to conclude that the planet we currently orbit once had intelligent life living on it. Abandoned structures and artifacts suggest that at one time this world was teeming with life.
As we begin the hard work of deciphering the various languages discovered on stone tablets and the few metallic objects we’ve so far uncovered in the hopes of unlocking the mystery of the people who once lived here and what led them to extinction. We’ve determined that the inhabitants of this world once knew it as ‘earth’, and their leader was someone named “Wendy Wynne”, and the country she ruled was known as “Union Battleground”.
Provided the senate maintains our funding, we shall continue to excavate and hopefully uncover the secrets of this planet and, hopefully, avoid the same fate that befell these humans.
End Log.
---------
Head Science Field Adjunct Kohlrahmi meditated on its log a few moments longer, rubbing its hairy foreclaws together to emit the typical buzzing noise indicating its curiosity. It then rose onto all four legs and proceedede through the promenade.
The science vessel was mostly a form of glass, like a giant observation unit. Kohlrahmi’s compound eyes focused intently on earth abd moved into the laboratory where its colleagues were working on the few artifacts they’d safely decontaminated and brought aboard the ship for further study.
“Any luck decoding the object’s ciphers?” Kohlrahmi asked fixing its foreclaws in front of it as all mantids did when curious, or about to eat the head off their mate. Its peers were mostly busy concentrating on their tasks, though Vice Adjunct Jaxa glanced up from its microscope to motion Kohlrahmi over.
“I think so,” Jaxa began. “See these markings?” Kohlrahmi was offered the microscope lens to peer through at what Jaxa found so curious. The letters, inscriptions upon a smooth metallic face fixed onto a leather strap indicated a language. “I think, based on the alphabet we’ve so far uncovered, that it says “Union Battleground Champion.”
Jaxa looked proud, clicking its mandibles together with excitement. Kohlrahmi nodded slowly, beginning to share in Jaxa’s pride.
“Yes,” Kohlrami buzzed, beginning to feel the thrill of discovery once more, “that would be consistent with everything we’ve discovered so far. And the words below it would indicate the name Wendy Wynne.”
The two mantids gleamed at one another giddily.
“It would appear these humans called their leaders ‘champions’, and awarded them shiny plates of rare and semi-rare metals to connote their importance.” Jaxa said.
“Hmmm. Do we know how they determined who their leader would be? How this ‘Wendy Wynne’ became Union Battleground Champion?”
The two researchers frowned, furrowing their upper carapace in unison. Beside them, a few stations away, another colleague, Rahal, lifted its shiny green head and peered at them with an amused expression through its compound spectacles.
“I believe I’ve pieced that mystery together.” It buzzed, and Jaxa and Kohlrahmi quickly came to stand beside their colleague.
“These humans appear to have placed a tremendous level of importance on physical competition. Wendy Wynne appears to have been their penultimate physical specimen. Take a look at this.” Rahal stepped aside allowing its peers to glance through the microscope at the paper pamphlet they’d found preserved under glass in what appeared to be one of the capital cities in the easternmost continent where the other artifacts had been discovered.
“Interesting,” Jaxa mused. The pamphlet seemed to read “Guerilla Warfare”, and then a bunch of words, likely names, they hadn’t quite understood yet. Jaxa stepped aside allowing Kohlrahmi to look through the microscope lens.
“Yes. Based on this image it appears that whoever won this ‘Guerilla Warfare’ left a pile of bloody skulls.”
“Wendy Wynne.” Rahal stated grimly.
“Truly,” Jaxa said. “Wendy Wynne must’ve been a powerful competitor to have coated this Guerilla Warfare logo with the blood of its enemies, and left all these bloody skulls.”
“That would be consistent with our other findings,” Rahal said, “though these humans appear to have been a gendered species, with the females being the most important.” Kohlrahmi, ever cautious to conclude too much was forced to nod in agreement.
“Yes. It definitely appears that this ‘Wendy Wynne’ was the most powerful competitor on the planet on earth.”
“Yes,” Jaxa agreed, “given how often the name appears on these shiny belt plates, and on pamphlets, Wendy Wynne seems to have ruled this planet as its most famous--”
There was an audible buzz of glee from another workstation nearby. Balm, another researcher lifted its foreclaws excitedly and waved them over. The three mantids hurried over and were joined by other researchers.
Balm explained, “I have managed to interface our vidscreen with that strange ‘VHS tape” we discovered. It’s taken several weeks but I think we can finally watch whatever the video is!” All the researchers could barely contain their excitement. Several moments of manipulating the vidscreen to be able to show the earth video later, and an image crackled to life. The Mantids all exclaimed with gasps as their first view of THE Wendy Wynne met their compound eyes.
“These humans were very odd looking,” Jaxa blurted.
“Shhh!” Rahal urged. “P-play the video!”
The video crackled, showing its age, holding an image of Wendy Wynne, (the scientists had found an image of her with her name on it, making her the first human they’d safely attributed a name to). The images hung, and chopped slowly together, but it showed Wendy Wynne talking without sound, looking out at the Mantids from the set she was on.
It was truly a miracle the weird tape it had been recorded on hadn’t degraded entirely, but here it was, survived for hundreds of years as one of the last pieces of human history, being studied in a vast science vessel orbiting the barren earth commanded by the Hegemonic Race of Space Mantids.
“There’s audio as well, but it’s difficult to process.”
“This might be the first time any living being has heard human speech in centuries!” Exclaimed one of the mantid scientists.
“We won’t understand what Wendy is saying!” Jaxa blurted angrily.
“Shhh. This is historic, regardless. The last of earths history, very likely. We should show respect and reverence.” Kohlrahmi said as Balm manipulated the device to pipe in the first ever audio of a human recording.
“...and when I win this stupid Guerilla Warfare event? You’ll all be sorry.”
The mantids clicked and clacked their mandibles together as they attempted to process the strange sounds Wendy was making. It was gibberish to their mantid ears, yet none could deny how magical this moment was.
Wendy continued.
“It’s just one step on the road for me. One giant STEP for Wendy Wynne into the hearts and minds of all who look upon my greatness and despair! One day, future generations will know the name Wendy Wynne. They won’t care who Toby Wagner was, or Jay Sinclair or…” Wendy looked with a squint at the piece of paper in front of her, “... or even Reserved #1. None of these names will reverberate through the halls of history like Wendy Wynne’s name will.”
The mantids watched with quiet awe at the woman who, as far as their history recorded, was the unparalleled ruler of earth and its single nation state The Union Battleground. Just then they watched with interest as a clown wandered into the frame next to Wendy who rolled her eyes.
Wendy Wynne: What are you doing here, Buddy? I fired you.
Buddy the Perennially Unemployed Clown: Seven times so far, by my count, Wendy!
One of the Mantids could no longer contain its confusion.
“What is that thing?” It asked. But none of them had an answer. They watched, transfixed at history.
Wendy Wynne: You’re interrupting my promo time, clown.
Buddy the Seemingly Rehired Yet Consistently Interrupting Clown: I know. But it’s for a good reason.
Wendy rolled her eyes at the camera and nudged him out of the frame.
Wendy Wynne: This is my address to the Union Battleground, Bud. Scram. You’re making me look foolish.
The mantids all began to record notes and observations.
“Impressive! Wendy Wynne looks so regal as she commands this… funny person to leave her presence!”
“Silence! We’re learning so much about human behavior!” Another interrupted.
Buddy the Historically Unimportant Clown stepped back into frame, making at least two of the mantids gasp quizzically.
Buddy the Clown: Wendy, it’s important. I did as you asked and blanketed the town with pamphlets implying you’d already won the Battleground Championship. AND I had your name engraved on hundreds of replica championship belts!
Wendy looked contemplative.
Wendy Wynne: Uh huh. I never asked you to do that.
Buddy the Initiative-Taking Clown: Oh. Well I did it. Now anyone who’s anyone is going to think you’re the Union Battleground Champion!
Wendy nodded, clearly not seeing how what Buddy had done was a positive development.
Wendy Wynne: Uh huh. Okay. Whatever, it’s not like that could possibly come back to haunt me.
Buddy The Potentially Vindicated Clown: I don’t see how. Look at it this way, we’re getting your name out there. You won your first battleground match. That was huge. This Guerrilla Warfare match, win or lose is going to be even bigger for your career. Think about it, soon the name Wendy Wynne will be as big a draw as the name Drell or Daniels or Nemesis ever is or was, just from me getting your name out there.
Wendy considered.
Wendy Wynne: I guess it’s not a bad idea. You can keep your job. For now. Now let me get back to my promo.
Buddy looked invigorated.
Buddy the Wynne-Pleasing Clown: Absolutely, Ms. Wynne. You cut your promo, then I’ll get on the editing rig to edit the VHS footage--
Wendy had turned back to the cameras, her smile back on her lips until the letters VHS were uttered, then her smile dropped into a scowl.
Wendy Wynne: Okay, wait. What?
Buddy The Behind-On-The-Times Clown: Oh, didn’t I tell you? Digital is dead. It won’t last. One solar flare, or EMP, and all the information we’re currently storing on digital will be lost forever. With VHS? Wendy Wynne Promos will be timeless. That’s what I’m trying to do for you, Wendy.
Wendy Wynne: That’s remarkably forward-thinking….
Buddy the About-To-Be-Fired Clown: Right? I thought you’d--
Wendy Wynne: You’re fired!
Buddy the Unemployed(again) Clown: --but--
Wendy Wynne: Get. Out. Of Here. I’m addressing my loyal fans, evidently on a format they’ll never see.
The gathered Mantid scientists gleamed at the screen projecting the last surviving images of the Champion of Earth to them. They didn’t understand a word she was saying, but damn did she look and seem glorious as she said it.
Wendy glared at Buddy. Buddy didn’t argue, trundling off the set leaving Wendy to force a smile.
Wendy Wynne: Alright. So let’s get right down to it, now that my clown assistant is gone. I’m not going to lie to, my loyal Wendy Fanatics, and Wynne Afficionados: this match, the Guerrilla Warfare match isd going to be the greatest test of my abilities to date.
For a rare moment, Wendy looked doubtful.
Wendy Wynne: Think about it. All those competitors, all vying for the same prize, all with an equal opportunity to succeed. All it takes is one bad bounce, one misstep, and poof… Wendy Wynne fails to secure her rightful prize.
The doubt slowly drifted from her features, turning into a grinch-like grin.
Wendy Wynne: But you don’t really think I’m going into this match without a million safeguards and failsafes in place to ensure victory, do you?
Wendy’s smirk grows as she steps to one side, next to a pre-arranged set-up of items resembling Wendy’s ring gear.
Wendy Wynne: That’s right, shortly before I fired my assistant, I had the foresight to set him onto a set of enhanced and augmented items for me to wear in this match to give me a performance-enhancing edge. It’s all ring-legal so far as Gunnar Graves knows, and since this is on VHS he’ll never watch this to discover the truth until it’s too late. Just watch.
She smirks as she grips her over-the-knee ring boots and stands them up, as she sets the heel down with an audible whumpf on the table, single sharp blades extend out of the toes. Wendy touches the tip of one of the blades and implies how sharp it is.
Wendy Wynne: Oooo. That’s gonna hurt. What’s that, Bryan Williams? You think you’re going to get in close to sucker punch me? NOT TO-FUCKIN-DAY. Ahahaha.
Wendy extends the boot upward, presumably into an imaginary Bryan Williams’ jugular.
Wendy Wynne: Down he goes. Oh, I’m sorry, James Radford. Did you think your return to the ring was going to be consequential?
Wendy lifts her boot into an intended side kick, presumably into the side of an imaginary James Radford’s knee.
Wendy Wynne: Bam! “Country Fine” is Country Crippled! Let's see you come back from THAT.
Wendy sets the boot down and pumps her fist, gleeful at her own ingenuity.
The mantids watch with confounded interest, trying to decipher what she’s saying.
Wendy shifts over to a set of her decorative wrist bracers which she holds up with a conniving grin.
Wendy Wynne: And these? Eriadu Strength Gauntlets straight from Czerka Corporation.
Wendy fits them onto her wrists and lifts an eyebrow.
Wendy Wynne: These babies are legendary throughout the galactic outer rim, promising to enhance the strength of the wearer by 50%! Imagine? Anna Daniels stepping to me thinking she’s something special?
Wendy’s expression turns serious all of a sudden as she shoots a palm strike forward, presumably into an imaginary Anna Daniels’ midsection and watches the assumed opponent sail 30 feet through the air and out of the imaginary ring. Wendy’s conniving grin returns after a moment to let it sink in.
Wendy Wynne: You know? My assistant pulled quite a few strings to ensure my victory at Guerrilla Warfare. Maybe I was too harsh on him? Buddy?
She calls, and Buddy wanders back onto the set after a moment.
Buddy the Hopeful Clown: Yes?
Wendy Wynne: Buddy, you’ve done such a good job enhancing my ring gear... what kind of employer would I be if I fired you this close to Christmas?
Buddy The Christmas Miracle Clown: Really? You mean it?
Wendy nods with only a moment’s hesitation.
Wendy Wynne: Why not? Look how impressive I’m going to look in that ring. A goddess among mere mortals. I mean these strength gauntlets? The Golden Girdle of Hippolyta?
She holds up a golden corset, then a set of elbow bracers, and a belt and looks impressed. Buddy nervously pipes in.
Buddy the Anxious Clown: Uhm… Wendy?
Wendy Wynne: What is it?
Buddy the Interrupting Clown: All that stuff? The gauntlets, the golden girdle? I forget to select 2-day shipping. We don’t have it.
Wendy’s grin leaves her face.
Wendy Wynne: What?
Buddy the Disappointing Clown: YET! Yeah. I mean, it’s coming! But I just… was trying to save money on the shipping costs. I’m sure the real stuff will be here ASAP.
Wendy Wynne: Okay… so what are these then?
Buddy the Fiscally Prudent Clown: Just your everyday normal ring gear.
Wendy looks ready to scream. Buddy lifts his hands like a shield.
Buddy the Blow-Softening Clown: Wendy! Remember how close to Christmas it is. The postal service is particularly inundated this time of year with--
Wendy Wynne: You’re fired! Get out!
Buddy’s shoulders slump and off he waddles once more. The Mantids are particularly impressed as they watch, uncertain what exactly is being said but it’s all very fascinating. Wendy glares gradually back into the camera. By now, however the feed has begun to degrade, and the Mantid scientists watched with disappointment as Wendy Wynne and the rest of the tape get chewed up in the reader.
They all hissed as Rahal struggled to maintain the tenuous video feed.
“It’s no use! The tape is just too old!” Rahal bemoaned. The mantid scholars couldn’t help but feel like they might be the last living beings to have witnessed this history unfold.
“It was glorious, what little we saw. Wendy Wynne… the ruler of Earth… truly a sight to behold,” Jaxa intoned solemnly. They all nodded.
“If only we knew how the rest of her address turned out. Or how history unfolded.” Kohlrahmi stated, glancing at the remaining artifacts they’d unearthed.
….
But we do know how it unfolded… here and now, in the present day, far from the distant future when Giant Space Mantises study our barren planet, bereft of life, for evidence of who and what we were.
In the little recording studio, unaware, or perhaps all to aware of her place in history, Wendy Wynne blissfully proceeds with her promo.
Wendy Wynne: You know what? It’s fine. I don’t need any of that stuff anyway. The Strength gauntlets, the Girdle of Hippolyta. I don’t need any of it to beat you rubes.
It’s the lesson I should have learned in the first place. A bona fide Christmas Miracle. This is like the time Bruce Wayne learned that he’s Batman regardless of all the fancy toys. I don’t need fancy, enhanced ring gear to ensure my victory at Guerrilla Warfare.
I’m Wendy Wynne. Perfection which can’t be augmented or improved upon. And that spells trouble for every single entrant into Guerrila Warfare.
You know who isn’t Wendy Wynne? A.J. Morales.
You know who else isn’t Wendy Wynne? Ace Andrews.
Nik Thoreau, Reventon, Reserved #2. None of these people are Wendy Wynne. Mark my words, one day the name Wendy Wynne will be revered throughout the cosmos as it rightfully should. And that begins right here, with Guerrilla Warfare.
Let me tell you a few facts about Wendy Wynne:
Wendy Wynne was born to win regardless of the bells and whistles.
Wendy Wynne has come to conquer the Union Battleground, and she don’t need clever tricks or enhanced costumes to secure her rightful place atop this company. And that, my friends…
Wendy grins maliciously.
Wendy Wynne: Will be the greatest of my many Christmas Miracles this year. Wendy Wynne, winning the Union Battleground Championship. And there ain’t nothing any of you squares can do about it.
She smirks, flicking some fiery red hair past her shoulder, about to saunter out of the frame before she glances once more at the boots with knives in either toe and lifts them under her shoulder.
Wendy Wynne: I’ll keep these, though. Just in case.
She winks at the camera and then off she goes as the tape fades.
Galactic Solar Sector Date 10.29.4093
After months of thorough archaeological investigation, there is now sufficient evidence to conclude that the planet we currently orbit once had intelligent life living on it. Abandoned structures and artifacts suggest that at one time this world was teeming with life.
As we begin the hard work of deciphering the various languages discovered on stone tablets and the few metallic objects we’ve so far uncovered in the hopes of unlocking the mystery of the people who once lived here and what led them to extinction. We’ve determined that the inhabitants of this world once knew it as ‘earth’, and their leader was someone named “Wendy Wynne”, and the country she ruled was known as “Union Battleground”.
Provided the senate maintains our funding, we shall continue to excavate and hopefully uncover the secrets of this planet and, hopefully, avoid the same fate that befell these humans.
End Log.
---------
Head Science Field Adjunct Kohlrahmi meditated on its log a few moments longer, rubbing its hairy foreclaws together to emit the typical buzzing noise indicating its curiosity. It then rose onto all four legs and proceedede through the promenade.
The science vessel was mostly a form of glass, like a giant observation unit. Kohlrahmi’s compound eyes focused intently on earth abd moved into the laboratory where its colleagues were working on the few artifacts they’d safely decontaminated and brought aboard the ship for further study.
“Any luck decoding the object’s ciphers?” Kohlrahmi asked fixing its foreclaws in front of it as all mantids did when curious, or about to eat the head off their mate. Its peers were mostly busy concentrating on their tasks, though Vice Adjunct Jaxa glanced up from its microscope to motion Kohlrahmi over.
“I think so,” Jaxa began. “See these markings?” Kohlrahmi was offered the microscope lens to peer through at what Jaxa found so curious. The letters, inscriptions upon a smooth metallic face fixed onto a leather strap indicated a language. “I think, based on the alphabet we’ve so far uncovered, that it says “Union Battleground Champion.”
Jaxa looked proud, clicking its mandibles together with excitement. Kohlrahmi nodded slowly, beginning to share in Jaxa’s pride.
“Yes,” Kohlrami buzzed, beginning to feel the thrill of discovery once more, “that would be consistent with everything we’ve discovered so far. And the words below it would indicate the name Wendy Wynne.”
The two mantids gleamed at one another giddily.
“It would appear these humans called their leaders ‘champions’, and awarded them shiny plates of rare and semi-rare metals to connote their importance.” Jaxa said.
“Hmmm. Do we know how they determined who their leader would be? How this ‘Wendy Wynne’ became Union Battleground Champion?”
The two researchers frowned, furrowing their upper carapace in unison. Beside them, a few stations away, another colleague, Rahal, lifted its shiny green head and peered at them with an amused expression through its compound spectacles.
“I believe I’ve pieced that mystery together.” It buzzed, and Jaxa and Kohlrahmi quickly came to stand beside their colleague.
“These humans appear to have placed a tremendous level of importance on physical competition. Wendy Wynne appears to have been their penultimate physical specimen. Take a look at this.” Rahal stepped aside allowing its peers to glance through the microscope at the paper pamphlet they’d found preserved under glass in what appeared to be one of the capital cities in the easternmost continent where the other artifacts had been discovered.
“Interesting,” Jaxa mused. The pamphlet seemed to read “Guerilla Warfare”, and then a bunch of words, likely names, they hadn’t quite understood yet. Jaxa stepped aside allowing Kohlrahmi to look through the microscope lens.
“Yes. Based on this image it appears that whoever won this ‘Guerilla Warfare’ left a pile of bloody skulls.”
“Wendy Wynne.” Rahal stated grimly.
“Truly,” Jaxa said. “Wendy Wynne must’ve been a powerful competitor to have coated this Guerilla Warfare logo with the blood of its enemies, and left all these bloody skulls.”
“That would be consistent with our other findings,” Rahal said, “though these humans appear to have been a gendered species, with the females being the most important.” Kohlrahmi, ever cautious to conclude too much was forced to nod in agreement.
“Yes. It definitely appears that this ‘Wendy Wynne’ was the most powerful competitor on the planet on earth.”
“Yes,” Jaxa agreed, “given how often the name appears on these shiny belt plates, and on pamphlets, Wendy Wynne seems to have ruled this planet as its most famous--”
There was an audible buzz of glee from another workstation nearby. Balm, another researcher lifted its foreclaws excitedly and waved them over. The three mantids hurried over and were joined by other researchers.
Balm explained, “I have managed to interface our vidscreen with that strange ‘VHS tape” we discovered. It’s taken several weeks but I think we can finally watch whatever the video is!” All the researchers could barely contain their excitement. Several moments of manipulating the vidscreen to be able to show the earth video later, and an image crackled to life. The Mantids all exclaimed with gasps as their first view of THE Wendy Wynne met their compound eyes.
“These humans were very odd looking,” Jaxa blurted.
“Shhh!” Rahal urged. “P-play the video!”
The video crackled, showing its age, holding an image of Wendy Wynne, (the scientists had found an image of her with her name on it, making her the first human they’d safely attributed a name to). The images hung, and chopped slowly together, but it showed Wendy Wynne talking without sound, looking out at the Mantids from the set she was on.
It was truly a miracle the weird tape it had been recorded on hadn’t degraded entirely, but here it was, survived for hundreds of years as one of the last pieces of human history, being studied in a vast science vessel orbiting the barren earth commanded by the Hegemonic Race of Space Mantids.
“There’s audio as well, but it’s difficult to process.”
“This might be the first time any living being has heard human speech in centuries!” Exclaimed one of the mantid scientists.
“We won’t understand what Wendy is saying!” Jaxa blurted angrily.
“Shhh. This is historic, regardless. The last of earths history, very likely. We should show respect and reverence.” Kohlrahmi said as Balm manipulated the device to pipe in the first ever audio of a human recording.
“...and when I win this stupid Guerilla Warfare event? You’ll all be sorry.”
The mantids clicked and clacked their mandibles together as they attempted to process the strange sounds Wendy was making. It was gibberish to their mantid ears, yet none could deny how magical this moment was.
Wendy continued.
“It’s just one step on the road for me. One giant STEP for Wendy Wynne into the hearts and minds of all who look upon my greatness and despair! One day, future generations will know the name Wendy Wynne. They won’t care who Toby Wagner was, or Jay Sinclair or…” Wendy looked with a squint at the piece of paper in front of her, “... or even Reserved #1. None of these names will reverberate through the halls of history like Wendy Wynne’s name will.”
The mantids watched with quiet awe at the woman who, as far as their history recorded, was the unparalleled ruler of earth and its single nation state The Union Battleground. Just then they watched with interest as a clown wandered into the frame next to Wendy who rolled her eyes.
Wendy Wynne: What are you doing here, Buddy? I fired you.
Buddy the Perennially Unemployed Clown: Seven times so far, by my count, Wendy!
One of the Mantids could no longer contain its confusion.
“What is that thing?” It asked. But none of them had an answer. They watched, transfixed at history.
Wendy Wynne: You’re interrupting my promo time, clown.
Buddy the Seemingly Rehired Yet Consistently Interrupting Clown: I know. But it’s for a good reason.
Wendy rolled her eyes at the camera and nudged him out of the frame.
Wendy Wynne: This is my address to the Union Battleground, Bud. Scram. You’re making me look foolish.
The mantids all began to record notes and observations.
“Impressive! Wendy Wynne looks so regal as she commands this… funny person to leave her presence!”
“Silence! We’re learning so much about human behavior!” Another interrupted.
Buddy the Historically Unimportant Clown stepped back into frame, making at least two of the mantids gasp quizzically.
Buddy the Clown: Wendy, it’s important. I did as you asked and blanketed the town with pamphlets implying you’d already won the Battleground Championship. AND I had your name engraved on hundreds of replica championship belts!
Wendy looked contemplative.
Wendy Wynne: Uh huh. I never asked you to do that.
Buddy the Initiative-Taking Clown: Oh. Well I did it. Now anyone who’s anyone is going to think you’re the Union Battleground Champion!
Wendy nodded, clearly not seeing how what Buddy had done was a positive development.
Wendy Wynne: Uh huh. Okay. Whatever, it’s not like that could possibly come back to haunt me.
Buddy The Potentially Vindicated Clown: I don’t see how. Look at it this way, we’re getting your name out there. You won your first battleground match. That was huge. This Guerrilla Warfare match, win or lose is going to be even bigger for your career. Think about it, soon the name Wendy Wynne will be as big a draw as the name Drell or Daniels or Nemesis ever is or was, just from me getting your name out there.
Wendy considered.
Wendy Wynne: I guess it’s not a bad idea. You can keep your job. For now. Now let me get back to my promo.
Buddy looked invigorated.
Buddy the Wynne-Pleasing Clown: Absolutely, Ms. Wynne. You cut your promo, then I’ll get on the editing rig to edit the VHS footage--
Wendy had turned back to the cameras, her smile back on her lips until the letters VHS were uttered, then her smile dropped into a scowl.
Wendy Wynne: Okay, wait. What?
Buddy The Behind-On-The-Times Clown: Oh, didn’t I tell you? Digital is dead. It won’t last. One solar flare, or EMP, and all the information we’re currently storing on digital will be lost forever. With VHS? Wendy Wynne Promos will be timeless. That’s what I’m trying to do for you, Wendy.
Wendy Wynne: That’s remarkably forward-thinking….
Buddy the About-To-Be-Fired Clown: Right? I thought you’d--
Wendy Wynne: You’re fired!
Buddy the Unemployed(again) Clown: --but--
Wendy Wynne: Get. Out. Of Here. I’m addressing my loyal fans, evidently on a format they’ll never see.
The gathered Mantid scientists gleamed at the screen projecting the last surviving images of the Champion of Earth to them. They didn’t understand a word she was saying, but damn did she look and seem glorious as she said it.
Wendy glared at Buddy. Buddy didn’t argue, trundling off the set leaving Wendy to force a smile.
Wendy Wynne: Alright. So let’s get right down to it, now that my clown assistant is gone. I’m not going to lie to, my loyal Wendy Fanatics, and Wynne Afficionados: this match, the Guerrilla Warfare match isd going to be the greatest test of my abilities to date.
For a rare moment, Wendy looked doubtful.
Wendy Wynne: Think about it. All those competitors, all vying for the same prize, all with an equal opportunity to succeed. All it takes is one bad bounce, one misstep, and poof… Wendy Wynne fails to secure her rightful prize.
The doubt slowly drifted from her features, turning into a grinch-like grin.
Wendy Wynne: But you don’t really think I’m going into this match without a million safeguards and failsafes in place to ensure victory, do you?
Wendy’s smirk grows as she steps to one side, next to a pre-arranged set-up of items resembling Wendy’s ring gear.
Wendy Wynne: That’s right, shortly before I fired my assistant, I had the foresight to set him onto a set of enhanced and augmented items for me to wear in this match to give me a performance-enhancing edge. It’s all ring-legal so far as Gunnar Graves knows, and since this is on VHS he’ll never watch this to discover the truth until it’s too late. Just watch.
She smirks as she grips her over-the-knee ring boots and stands them up, as she sets the heel down with an audible whumpf on the table, single sharp blades extend out of the toes. Wendy touches the tip of one of the blades and implies how sharp it is.
Wendy Wynne: Oooo. That’s gonna hurt. What’s that, Bryan Williams? You think you’re going to get in close to sucker punch me? NOT TO-FUCKIN-DAY. Ahahaha.
Wendy extends the boot upward, presumably into an imaginary Bryan Williams’ jugular.
Wendy Wynne: Down he goes. Oh, I’m sorry, James Radford. Did you think your return to the ring was going to be consequential?
Wendy lifts her boot into an intended side kick, presumably into the side of an imaginary James Radford’s knee.
Wendy Wynne: Bam! “Country Fine” is Country Crippled! Let's see you come back from THAT.
Wendy sets the boot down and pumps her fist, gleeful at her own ingenuity.
The mantids watch with confounded interest, trying to decipher what she’s saying.
Wendy shifts over to a set of her decorative wrist bracers which she holds up with a conniving grin.
Wendy Wynne: And these? Eriadu Strength Gauntlets straight from Czerka Corporation.
Wendy fits them onto her wrists and lifts an eyebrow.
Wendy Wynne: These babies are legendary throughout the galactic outer rim, promising to enhance the strength of the wearer by 50%! Imagine? Anna Daniels stepping to me thinking she’s something special?
Wendy’s expression turns serious all of a sudden as she shoots a palm strike forward, presumably into an imaginary Anna Daniels’ midsection and watches the assumed opponent sail 30 feet through the air and out of the imaginary ring. Wendy’s conniving grin returns after a moment to let it sink in.
Wendy Wynne: You know? My assistant pulled quite a few strings to ensure my victory at Guerrilla Warfare. Maybe I was too harsh on him? Buddy?
She calls, and Buddy wanders back onto the set after a moment.
Buddy the Hopeful Clown: Yes?
Wendy Wynne: Buddy, you’ve done such a good job enhancing my ring gear... what kind of employer would I be if I fired you this close to Christmas?
Buddy The Christmas Miracle Clown: Really? You mean it?
Wendy nods with only a moment’s hesitation.
Wendy Wynne: Why not? Look how impressive I’m going to look in that ring. A goddess among mere mortals. I mean these strength gauntlets? The Golden Girdle of Hippolyta?
She holds up a golden corset, then a set of elbow bracers, and a belt and looks impressed. Buddy nervously pipes in.
Buddy the Anxious Clown: Uhm… Wendy?
Wendy Wynne: What is it?
Buddy the Interrupting Clown: All that stuff? The gauntlets, the golden girdle? I forget to select 2-day shipping. We don’t have it.
Wendy’s grin leaves her face.
Wendy Wynne: What?
Buddy the Disappointing Clown: YET! Yeah. I mean, it’s coming! But I just… was trying to save money on the shipping costs. I’m sure the real stuff will be here ASAP.
Wendy Wynne: Okay… so what are these then?
Buddy the Fiscally Prudent Clown: Just your everyday normal ring gear.
Wendy looks ready to scream. Buddy lifts his hands like a shield.
Buddy the Blow-Softening Clown: Wendy! Remember how close to Christmas it is. The postal service is particularly inundated this time of year with--
Wendy Wynne: You’re fired! Get out!
Buddy’s shoulders slump and off he waddles once more. The Mantids are particularly impressed as they watch, uncertain what exactly is being said but it’s all very fascinating. Wendy glares gradually back into the camera. By now, however the feed has begun to degrade, and the Mantid scientists watched with disappointment as Wendy Wynne and the rest of the tape get chewed up in the reader.
They all hissed as Rahal struggled to maintain the tenuous video feed.
“It’s no use! The tape is just too old!” Rahal bemoaned. The mantid scholars couldn’t help but feel like they might be the last living beings to have witnessed this history unfold.
“It was glorious, what little we saw. Wendy Wynne… the ruler of Earth… truly a sight to behold,” Jaxa intoned solemnly. They all nodded.
“If only we knew how the rest of her address turned out. Or how history unfolded.” Kohlrahmi stated, glancing at the remaining artifacts they’d unearthed.
….
But we do know how it unfolded… here and now, in the present day, far from the distant future when Giant Space Mantises study our barren planet, bereft of life, for evidence of who and what we were.
In the little recording studio, unaware, or perhaps all to aware of her place in history, Wendy Wynne blissfully proceeds with her promo.
Wendy Wynne: You know what? It’s fine. I don’t need any of that stuff anyway. The Strength gauntlets, the Girdle of Hippolyta. I don’t need any of it to beat you rubes.
It’s the lesson I should have learned in the first place. A bona fide Christmas Miracle. This is like the time Bruce Wayne learned that he’s Batman regardless of all the fancy toys. I don’t need fancy, enhanced ring gear to ensure my victory at Guerrilla Warfare.
I’m Wendy Wynne. Perfection which can’t be augmented or improved upon. And that spells trouble for every single entrant into Guerrila Warfare.
You know who isn’t Wendy Wynne? A.J. Morales.
You know who else isn’t Wendy Wynne? Ace Andrews.
Nik Thoreau, Reventon, Reserved #2. None of these people are Wendy Wynne. Mark my words, one day the name Wendy Wynne will be revered throughout the cosmos as it rightfully should. And that begins right here, with Guerrilla Warfare.
Let me tell you a few facts about Wendy Wynne:
Wendy Wynne was born to win regardless of the bells and whistles.
Wendy Wynne has come to conquer the Union Battleground, and she don’t need clever tricks or enhanced costumes to secure her rightful place atop this company. And that, my friends…
Wendy grins maliciously.
Wendy Wynne: Will be the greatest of my many Christmas Miracles this year. Wendy Wynne, winning the Union Battleground Championship. And there ain’t nothing any of you squares can do about it.
She smirks, flicking some fiery red hair past her shoulder, about to saunter out of the frame before she glances once more at the boots with knives in either toe and lifts them under her shoulder.
Wendy Wynne: I’ll keep these, though. Just in case.
She winks at the camera and then off she goes as the tape fades.
