Human kindness
Dec 16, 2019 21:47:44 GMT -5
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Post by fallonlockhart on Dec 16, 2019 21:47:44 GMT -5
The small room was somewhat similar to the one from her memory; something had told Fallon that she needed to come back here. If she was going to make a change this Christmas in as many lives as she could, this would be where she wanted to start. The group home looked almost the same, a sad little Christmas tree in the corner of the family room, blinking lights that still looked on their last legs; worn and hole filled stockings fixed along the windowsill.
The worn carpet had seen all the more feet cross it in the years since Fallon had been here; this home was the first rule happy memory she had that was more than a fleeting second in months of misery. The older couple who ran the home had opened her eyes to a world of possibilities and in a ways, their kindness was a cruelty all its own.
Before coming here, she had no idea what she was missing. The Parkers home was warm, welcoming and safe. To top it all off, they had a real Christmas tree, every year since just the whiff of pine was enough to send her back to the one real Christmas she had enjoyed as a child. Little boxes of toys wrapped in bright, crinkly paper and dancing snowmen with worn down batteries were just about the best thing she had ever known.
Standing in the room now, it was as though her memory overtook her senses, she didn’t see the room as it was. Older and more run down, instead, she saw it the way it was that morning. As her slipper clad feet pounded down the stairs alongside the other children staying there and they all piled into the family room to see what had been delivered.
As nine, Fallon was at an age that most kids stopped believing, but instead she had just been introduced to the magic that was Santa and his reindeer, while the other children grasped and stocking and upturned it expectantly, Fallon found herself staring at the plate of cookie crumbs and the empty glass of milk. Surely a fat, jolly man hadn't really snuck in while they were asleep and delivered gifts?
Her mind reeled at the thought, for the two minutes between spotting the plate and a stocking being shoved in front of her face. One of the other kids loudly exclaimed that it was, indeed, for her. Fallon wrapped her small hand around the fuzzy top of the stocking. Peering inside she looked over the candies and oranges and small trinkets within.
Then promptly threw up on the threadbare rug thanks to over-excitement.
Pulling herself back to the moment, she couldn’t help but laugh just a little it at the memory. She had been so frightened as soon as it happened, expecting the worst but instead she had been cleaned up and given a fresh stocking with just as many surprising treats contained within.
Fallon remembered how overwhelming living here for that year was, when you’re conditioned to be silent, to be afraid, someone being nice. Maybe if she could have stayed here, things would be different for her those last few years before she ran away. But then, maybe she wouldn’t be who she is now, maybe she wouldn’ be standing in this hallway with a check for $10,000.
Maybe she wouldn’t be out there making the changes in the world she wanted so much to see and if she wasn’t doing that, then really what was she doing at all?
Basic human kindness becomes something to be afraid of, it had taken years of undoing that damage, of learning that not all good deeds come with a cost. Even now sometimes it would take Josh several goes at reassuring her before she could accept that common kindness was just that. She could pinpoint exactly the first time he let her know that it was okay for it to be too much, almost a year ago and yet, it still felt like yesterday…
The stack of rainbow colored pancakes sat tall on the counter, a pile of cream and sprinkles atop them and a pretty little pink candle finished off the look. There was an excited buzz in the air and as Fallon eyed up the special birthday pancakes, a huge smile spread across her face. Her hands rested either side of the plate as she continued to eye the huge stack for a few more seconds.
Wriggling excitedly in her seat she finally looked up at Josh with wide eyes, she could feel all of the emotions bubbling up inside of her, but none of her words seemed able to find their ways out. The huge smile on her face was already making her cheeks hurt, but she wouldn’t have been able to wipe it off if she tried. Not that she was going to, the day had only just begun but it was still one of the best days of her entire life. Her eyes moved back to the pancakes and somehow that smile grew all the more.
Before today, birthdays had always been something she dreaded, it was a day when the loneliness creeped in and all the bad thoughts that rested in her path would bubble towards the surface… But not today, today she was so overwhelmed with happiness, she knew she had never felt as loved as she did in this moment and all she wanted to do was be able to communicate that to him… But instead, when she opened her mouth;
A soft noise came out, but no words as a flurry of tears rushed down her cheeks, those same cheeks turned a bright, hot red on contact with the tears. She was embarrassed that she was crying, of course, but she had no control over it, all of the happiness that she felt was finally finding a way out of her, but it wasn’t in the way she had hoped to express it.
For his part, Josh felt confounded and helpless as he observed Fallon beginning to weep, a pit of guilt growing in his stomach for his inability to understand what was happening. He’d put a lot of work into everything he’d planned for the day, and it was being kicked off with crying, certainly not the reaction he’d been hoping for. It took him a few moments to recognise the tears for the expression of a conflicted joy they were, and he relaxed slightly, taking a seat at the table opposite her with a small smile.
“It’s ok, darlin’, let it out...” He reassured her, softly.
“...Just don’t let that candle melt all over them pancakes, yeah?” He added, his smile taking on that typical crooked form it usually did, trying to bring a little levity back into the festivities.
As she looked over at him, she smiled again; rubbing at her cheeks with an embarrassed chuckle she shook her head. Taking a huge breath she closed her eyes tightly and made a wish, just like she’d seen in the moves and then she blew, extinguishing the candle with an excited squeak. As her eyes fluttered open she met his once more.
“Sorry.” Her tone was soft, her cheeks still flushed, she hadn’t wanted to cry. But emotions had spilled over and now as she looked between him and the pancakes, excitement fluttered inside her again. “It’s just, so nice n… n special n amazin.”
Reaching for his hand, she gently traced her fingers over the back of it. Her other hand picking up the fork she took a huge bite of the pancakes, excited as she chewed, letting out more excited noises as she enjoyed her special breakfast.
“Thank u.” She breathed out the words between bites, shaking her head as she tried to think of more to say. “This is already the most special birthday I ever had Josh, u make it special.” A day all about her was foreign to her; turning nineteen probably wasn’t a very big deal to most people, but it was to her.
His smile didn’t waver as he watched her blow out the singular candle on top of the stack of brightly coloured pancakes.
“I told you it’s ok, Fal. However you need to process this.” He replied softly, running his thumb over her hand as it entwined itself with his.
“That’s what this is all about, y’know? Today is for you, you make every day special to me, this is just an opportunity to return the favor.”
Josh’s own plate had a small helping of the same batch of pancakes, plain golden-brown, topped with some modest slices of banana. This was only the beginning, he and Skylar had worked meticulously to plan a party late in the evening, and his previous guilt shifted towards pride at the earnest joy with which his first, ultimately small gesture had been received. He ran his spare hand through his long hair, dragging it back behind his shoulders before brandishing his cutlery and digging into his own breakfast.
She watched him eat quietly for a few moments, picking through her own breakfast, a small smile still on her face as she did. She liked to do that, just watch him in the simplest moments… it helped still all of the emotions rising up within her until she found her voice again.
“When I was a kid, I used to like… watch birthday parties in movies and stuff ya know? Like how it’s posed to be n I’d always wonder a bit, if I would ever have any of that. I mean, one time I had the lilest cupcake ever on a birthday. It wasn’t much of anything rly, but it felt so freakin special…”
She hesitated, it wasn’t often she talked about her time in group homes. So much of that time was filled with a deep sadness that she held back, but there were a few good memories, those were the ones she often chose to hold onto. Her eyes looking over him again, she chewed at the corner of her lip.
“That’s how this feels; almost like I’m in a movie or somethin. Does that make sense? Like… I keep waitin to wake up n be on an old mattress in a cold room. Sometimes my whole life feels like that, like I’m just dreamin alla this, Cause it can’t be real… n bein here with u, right now, this is somethin I thought bout a million times n now it’s rly real n I just, I dunno… I don’t want u to think I don’t love it. Love all this cause I do, rly, so so much. I just, guess my mind ain’t sure how it’s posed to react just yet.”
Josh paused between bites to provide his own response.
“Guess you and I both got that in common.” He responded, bluntly.
“Every single day I go out there between those ropes, every single morning I wake up with you next to me, it all feels too good to be true somehow. But it ain’t. It’s real. It’s what we’ve fought for our whole lives in our own ways, we’re just lucky enough to have got here. And y’know how I know this ain’t made up? Cause reality’s too messy to emulate.”
Almost as if to illustrate his point, Josh’s elbow smacked into the edge of the table, knocking his knife onto the floor.
“Shit… See?” He chuckled, as he leaned down to pick it back up.
“If this was some movie, I’d be all suave and smooth and shit. And I probably wouldn’t talk like a foulmouthed redneck neither. No scars, no missin’ tooth, no tobacco smell after a cigarette... Life ain’t anywhere near clean-cut enough for that.”
She paused mid bite to smile, a stronger and wider smile than she managed before. Followed by a small laugh when he knocked the knife from the table. The truth was all of the things that made this, not a movie? They were the things she loved the most… even the way he spoke, which she would absolutely never admit, was something she loved. Because it was a part of him.
“I dun think I’d rly like like u half so much if u wasn’t all them things tho… that’s what makes all this so special I think, cause it’s u n… u just make everythin feel safe, all the time. I ain’t never had that feeling of like…”
She pondered, the words weren’t coming to her. A frantic emotional state slowly petering out into a warm happiness at her birthday pancakes had left her head a little spun.
“These pancakes are so freakin good. I love em.”
“I know darlin’, that ain’t my point. I’m just sayin’ dreams are glossy. That’s how you know there ain’t gonna be no pullin’ the rug from under you.”
Almost everything was as true today as the day it was said and even now, in her career and her personal life, that feeling of being overwhelmed would sneak in, sometimes it would all just be too much - she couldn’t afford for this to be one of those times though. This time, she had to be ready to step up, to back herself up. She needed to be prepared for whatever life was going to throw at her and in reality, that was easier said than done.
Despite having quickly made a name for herself over in Yamashi and as part of the C.C. She often still felt like the odd kid out and adding the pressure that she assigned to herself only made all of those feelings far, far worse. She always had the want to be more, Burt now she was acculizing that. She was going ou there and giving all that she could in every match, every show, giving more and more of herself night after night.
And that only cranks up the pressure, when your whole life you’ve been told you’ll never amount to anything, when your existence is built on the idea that you know you have an expiry, that your destiny is to fail… Getting past that can be hard, one knock too hard and you’re back at the bottom. One big match too many and you start looking for other ways to let those feelings out.
Those were the actions that had caused havoc last time Fallon was in a Union Battleground ring… She had never addressed it publically, but it was obvious there was far more to the match than just rhe basic protective boyfriend stuff; that had never been Josh, he knew better than Anyone that Fallon could and would take care or herself, so his stepping in had definitely drawn a little too much unwanted attention.
Luckily, that had soon been drowned out by other actions in other companies. One opponent forcing an official to grope her and costing Fallon as Championship she won, only for Fallon to turn around and defend the official with her own job on the line and refusing to take her pay until his fine was paid off. Because that was the big, true difference between Fallon and other people.
Others claim to be the good guy, but she truly lives it.
The worn carpet had seen all the more feet cross it in the years since Fallon had been here; this home was the first rule happy memory she had that was more than a fleeting second in months of misery. The older couple who ran the home had opened her eyes to a world of possibilities and in a ways, their kindness was a cruelty all its own.
Before coming here, she had no idea what she was missing. The Parkers home was warm, welcoming and safe. To top it all off, they had a real Christmas tree, every year since just the whiff of pine was enough to send her back to the one real Christmas she had enjoyed as a child. Little boxes of toys wrapped in bright, crinkly paper and dancing snowmen with worn down batteries were just about the best thing she had ever known.
Standing in the room now, it was as though her memory overtook her senses, she didn’t see the room as it was. Older and more run down, instead, she saw it the way it was that morning. As her slipper clad feet pounded down the stairs alongside the other children staying there and they all piled into the family room to see what had been delivered.
As nine, Fallon was at an age that most kids stopped believing, but instead she had just been introduced to the magic that was Santa and his reindeer, while the other children grasped and stocking and upturned it expectantly, Fallon found herself staring at the plate of cookie crumbs and the empty glass of milk. Surely a fat, jolly man hadn't really snuck in while they were asleep and delivered gifts?
Her mind reeled at the thought, for the two minutes between spotting the plate and a stocking being shoved in front of her face. One of the other kids loudly exclaimed that it was, indeed, for her. Fallon wrapped her small hand around the fuzzy top of the stocking. Peering inside she looked over the candies and oranges and small trinkets within.
Then promptly threw up on the threadbare rug thanks to over-excitement.
Pulling herself back to the moment, she couldn’t help but laugh just a little it at the memory. She had been so frightened as soon as it happened, expecting the worst but instead she had been cleaned up and given a fresh stocking with just as many surprising treats contained within.
Fallon remembered how overwhelming living here for that year was, when you’re conditioned to be silent, to be afraid, someone being nice. Maybe if she could have stayed here, things would be different for her those last few years before she ran away. But then, maybe she wouldn’t be who she is now, maybe she wouldn’ be standing in this hallway with a check for $10,000.
Maybe she wouldn’t be out there making the changes in the world she wanted so much to see and if she wasn’t doing that, then really what was she doing at all?
Basic human kindness becomes something to be afraid of, it had taken years of undoing that damage, of learning that not all good deeds come with a cost. Even now sometimes it would take Josh several goes at reassuring her before she could accept that common kindness was just that. She could pinpoint exactly the first time he let her know that it was okay for it to be too much, almost a year ago and yet, it still felt like yesterday…
The stack of rainbow colored pancakes sat tall on the counter, a pile of cream and sprinkles atop them and a pretty little pink candle finished off the look. There was an excited buzz in the air and as Fallon eyed up the special birthday pancakes, a huge smile spread across her face. Her hands rested either side of the plate as she continued to eye the huge stack for a few more seconds.
Wriggling excitedly in her seat she finally looked up at Josh with wide eyes, she could feel all of the emotions bubbling up inside of her, but none of her words seemed able to find their ways out. The huge smile on her face was already making her cheeks hurt, but she wouldn’t have been able to wipe it off if she tried. Not that she was going to, the day had only just begun but it was still one of the best days of her entire life. Her eyes moved back to the pancakes and somehow that smile grew all the more.
Before today, birthdays had always been something she dreaded, it was a day when the loneliness creeped in and all the bad thoughts that rested in her path would bubble towards the surface… But not today, today she was so overwhelmed with happiness, she knew she had never felt as loved as she did in this moment and all she wanted to do was be able to communicate that to him… But instead, when she opened her mouth;
A soft noise came out, but no words as a flurry of tears rushed down her cheeks, those same cheeks turned a bright, hot red on contact with the tears. She was embarrassed that she was crying, of course, but she had no control over it, all of the happiness that she felt was finally finding a way out of her, but it wasn’t in the way she had hoped to express it.
For his part, Josh felt confounded and helpless as he observed Fallon beginning to weep, a pit of guilt growing in his stomach for his inability to understand what was happening. He’d put a lot of work into everything he’d planned for the day, and it was being kicked off with crying, certainly not the reaction he’d been hoping for. It took him a few moments to recognise the tears for the expression of a conflicted joy they were, and he relaxed slightly, taking a seat at the table opposite her with a small smile.
“It’s ok, darlin’, let it out...” He reassured her, softly.
“...Just don’t let that candle melt all over them pancakes, yeah?” He added, his smile taking on that typical crooked form it usually did, trying to bring a little levity back into the festivities.
As she looked over at him, she smiled again; rubbing at her cheeks with an embarrassed chuckle she shook her head. Taking a huge breath she closed her eyes tightly and made a wish, just like she’d seen in the moves and then she blew, extinguishing the candle with an excited squeak. As her eyes fluttered open she met his once more.
“Sorry.” Her tone was soft, her cheeks still flushed, she hadn’t wanted to cry. But emotions had spilled over and now as she looked between him and the pancakes, excitement fluttered inside her again. “It’s just, so nice n… n special n amazin.”
Reaching for his hand, she gently traced her fingers over the back of it. Her other hand picking up the fork she took a huge bite of the pancakes, excited as she chewed, letting out more excited noises as she enjoyed her special breakfast.
“Thank u.” She breathed out the words between bites, shaking her head as she tried to think of more to say. “This is already the most special birthday I ever had Josh, u make it special.” A day all about her was foreign to her; turning nineteen probably wasn’t a very big deal to most people, but it was to her.
His smile didn’t waver as he watched her blow out the singular candle on top of the stack of brightly coloured pancakes.
“I told you it’s ok, Fal. However you need to process this.” He replied softly, running his thumb over her hand as it entwined itself with his.
“That’s what this is all about, y’know? Today is for you, you make every day special to me, this is just an opportunity to return the favor.”
Josh’s own plate had a small helping of the same batch of pancakes, plain golden-brown, topped with some modest slices of banana. This was only the beginning, he and Skylar had worked meticulously to plan a party late in the evening, and his previous guilt shifted towards pride at the earnest joy with which his first, ultimately small gesture had been received. He ran his spare hand through his long hair, dragging it back behind his shoulders before brandishing his cutlery and digging into his own breakfast.
She watched him eat quietly for a few moments, picking through her own breakfast, a small smile still on her face as she did. She liked to do that, just watch him in the simplest moments… it helped still all of the emotions rising up within her until she found her voice again.
“When I was a kid, I used to like… watch birthday parties in movies and stuff ya know? Like how it’s posed to be n I’d always wonder a bit, if I would ever have any of that. I mean, one time I had the lilest cupcake ever on a birthday. It wasn’t much of anything rly, but it felt so freakin special…”
She hesitated, it wasn’t often she talked about her time in group homes. So much of that time was filled with a deep sadness that she held back, but there were a few good memories, those were the ones she often chose to hold onto. Her eyes looking over him again, she chewed at the corner of her lip.
“That’s how this feels; almost like I’m in a movie or somethin. Does that make sense? Like… I keep waitin to wake up n be on an old mattress in a cold room. Sometimes my whole life feels like that, like I’m just dreamin alla this, Cause it can’t be real… n bein here with u, right now, this is somethin I thought bout a million times n now it’s rly real n I just, I dunno… I don’t want u to think I don’t love it. Love all this cause I do, rly, so so much. I just, guess my mind ain’t sure how it’s posed to react just yet.”
Josh paused between bites to provide his own response.
“Guess you and I both got that in common.” He responded, bluntly.
“Every single day I go out there between those ropes, every single morning I wake up with you next to me, it all feels too good to be true somehow. But it ain’t. It’s real. It’s what we’ve fought for our whole lives in our own ways, we’re just lucky enough to have got here. And y’know how I know this ain’t made up? Cause reality’s too messy to emulate.”
Almost as if to illustrate his point, Josh’s elbow smacked into the edge of the table, knocking his knife onto the floor.
“Shit… See?” He chuckled, as he leaned down to pick it back up.
“If this was some movie, I’d be all suave and smooth and shit. And I probably wouldn’t talk like a foulmouthed redneck neither. No scars, no missin’ tooth, no tobacco smell after a cigarette... Life ain’t anywhere near clean-cut enough for that.”
She paused mid bite to smile, a stronger and wider smile than she managed before. Followed by a small laugh when he knocked the knife from the table. The truth was all of the things that made this, not a movie? They were the things she loved the most… even the way he spoke, which she would absolutely never admit, was something she loved. Because it was a part of him.
“I dun think I’d rly like like u half so much if u wasn’t all them things tho… that’s what makes all this so special I think, cause it’s u n… u just make everythin feel safe, all the time. I ain’t never had that feeling of like…”
She pondered, the words weren’t coming to her. A frantic emotional state slowly petering out into a warm happiness at her birthday pancakes had left her head a little spun.
“These pancakes are so freakin good. I love em.”
“I know darlin’, that ain’t my point. I’m just sayin’ dreams are glossy. That’s how you know there ain’t gonna be no pullin’ the rug from under you.”
Almost everything was as true today as the day it was said and even now, in her career and her personal life, that feeling of being overwhelmed would sneak in, sometimes it would all just be too much - she couldn’t afford for this to be one of those times though. This time, she had to be ready to step up, to back herself up. She needed to be prepared for whatever life was going to throw at her and in reality, that was easier said than done.
Despite having quickly made a name for herself over in Yamashi and as part of the C.C. She often still felt like the odd kid out and adding the pressure that she assigned to herself only made all of those feelings far, far worse. She always had the want to be more, Burt now she was acculizing that. She was going ou there and giving all that she could in every match, every show, giving more and more of herself night after night.
And that only cranks up the pressure, when your whole life you’ve been told you’ll never amount to anything, when your existence is built on the idea that you know you have an expiry, that your destiny is to fail… Getting past that can be hard, one knock too hard and you’re back at the bottom. One big match too many and you start looking for other ways to let those feelings out.
Those were the actions that had caused havoc last time Fallon was in a Union Battleground ring… She had never addressed it publically, but it was obvious there was far more to the match than just rhe basic protective boyfriend stuff; that had never been Josh, he knew better than Anyone that Fallon could and would take care or herself, so his stepping in had definitely drawn a little too much unwanted attention.
Luckily, that had soon been drowned out by other actions in other companies. One opponent forcing an official to grope her and costing Fallon as Championship she won, only for Fallon to turn around and defend the official with her own job on the line and refusing to take her pay until his fine was paid off. Because that was the big, true difference between Fallon and other people.
Others claim to be the good guy, but she truly lives it.